Time for me to sleep. No, I can’t sleep. When I know I have to sleep I can never sleep. Sleep is hard to do when you are so close to the end of something- this class, this year, this anxiety. Anxiety, anxiety over many things, people, places, distance and time. I feel like I am clock, ticking away all the time. Not just living, breathing.. Loving, doing, sleeping, being. I feel pressed, pressed for time.. Pressed for feelings and pressed for emotion. Why am I so sensitive to external pressure? Always have been. Things always look bigger, brighter.. Blinding negatively in your mind. Scary, afraid. Your thoughts are always so much more blinding before you let them out into the universe- let them out to be heard, understood, misunderstood, interpreted or critisized. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I have been so.. Nostalgic. About the past, about memories about a time so lon ago. When I was a teenager, a close dear friend. Distance and lost time and energy. It makes me sad, I need more of it, that friend, right now. Bizarre. The past comes right back up at you like you forgot it existed, like you forgot how it feels, like you forgot what it was- but you didn’t.
Needing different things everyday- him, his mind. I need to figure us out, I need to figure this out. Hard. It is hard.
The word hard relates to so many things. Or it can, but I am soft. They do not mesh. Your head and your heart are frenemies. They make life a living hell for eachother- and mine.. Exceptionally so.
My heart is sad, my mind is full and heavy tonight. I read something that made me sad for someone else, made me feel guilty and upset and even a little teary eyed.
Distance, time, space and everything inbetween. But most of all, pressure.